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The Gardener
"Well you shee, we provide the dimesh!" Jake Garden is a man conceived in soil, raised by his family, nourished and strengthened by poultry, and suffering from a serious lishp. The legend of the Gardener begins in the vaunted Ellard Community, the beautiful community home of characters such as Team Rocket Leader Don, Horizon Champion Darius Flint Tundra Geier, Shander, among others. With this grandiose neighborhood producing so many legendary figures, Jake was destined for nothing short of greatness and greatness he delivered. He was born to the nefarious leader of Team Rocket, ground gym leader, and notorious pokemon thief Don (also known by the alias of Giovanni) and the renowned brownie baker Lisa. Jake grew up a relatively normal boy at Mt Pisgah honing his many skills. As a growing boy, Jake was very hungry. He grew an insatiable taste for the flesh of Gallus gallus, more commonly known as the domesticated chicken. Jake's birth allowed for the development of perennial fried chicken powerhouses Zaxby's and Chick Fil A. Jake's love for chicken is rather exclusive, it is the only food he is capable of digesting. He must ask for many chicken dishes to have other components held, most notably tetrazzini. Jake has a SERIOUS aversion to tetrazzini. Jake transferred to the Hades School as a freshman where the legend of the Gardener truly begins. Jake joined the football team as his first power move in this school based in the fiery depths of hell. Jake led the team in interceptions, becoming the most widely feared shutdown defender in the game. Calvin Johnson would not comment on Jake upon leaving the field with tears in his eyes after matching up with Jake in a game in 2011. Upon winning the 2013 NFC championship, Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman commented "I'm the second best corner-back in the game!! When you try me with a sorry receiver like Michael Crabtree, that's the result you 'gon get! I don't even want to think what Jake Barden would do to him!" Jake continued to rake in various accolades and successes until one fateful day of fighting zombies. As a legendary slayer of the undead, Jake was defending Verruckt with commrades Alexandre Dubose, Mr. M, The Scientist, Charlie, and several others when he was suddenly downed from behind by a walker. Jake was valiantly fighting zombies with a makarov at this point, he was so stunned by the attack that his voice would be changed forever. He cried for assistance sprawled across the ground clutching his faithful makarov. He screamed "revive me guys!!" But to his horror and Alexandre's amusement, the s at the end guys came with a subtlely attached h. Every s he would utter from this point on would be subject to this condition. The subsequent self-confidence crisis and bullying Jacob would face due to his lisp took him to a very dark place. He thought there was no way out, no escape from his misery. One day after playing several of his classic xbox games like Prototype II, Just Cause, and using the thermal scope in MW2 to Jake Morris's shagrin, Jake went to cry upon his newly built porch. His tears flowed like a river onto the ground below the porch and out from dirt sprouted flowers of many different colors. Jake saw the beauty he created and knew how he could battle his demons, gardening. Jake quickly became quite the master of horticulture. He grew a breathtaking spectacle of bushes, flowers, trees, and other plants behind his house leading to the river and his treehouse. It is rumoured that Jake has used the beauty of his garden to lure various mates to his treehouse and seduce them. Jake was quickly appointed to be the head gardener at the garden of Versailles. Jake's agriculutral interests did not stop at gardening however, he also applied his love of poultry and built a chicken coop. Jake's chicken population started expanding so rapidly he knew he had to expand beyond Ellard. Jake quickly moved his coop to Argebs, Georgia due to it having a high demographic population of physically titaliting females and appealing cuisine. He purchased a large building there and named it the Lambda Chicken Coop. This coop now holds a monopoly over the international poultry business, but faces stiff competition from D's Dick Farm in Auburn, Alabama. Jake is also known to hold many late night events at lambda for his chickens. Jake's experience in Argebs has not been all positive however, quickly after moving there he grew an immense love for the city (especially Bourbon). He coveted power, leadership, and influence in the city. However with the universally loved King Bone in place, the crown has been out of reach...so far. It is rumoured that Jake is trying to raise an army to stage a coup against King Bone. In his sole attempt at resistance, he challenged King Bone to a joust downtown upon his trusty steed Eddie. King Bone unseated Jacob upon the majestic Sabreena the Weena and retained his crown. Jake's political feats in Argebs have not been completely fruitless; however, he has become Jarl of Argebs. Jake also enrolled in freshco in which he too was introduced to Watkins Wednesday and has checked off many sororities. Jake is quite the family man, family being the ultimate priority in his life. Whether he is spending time with his 128,295,087 cousins or giving ice to Eddie, Jake is constantly prioritizing his family. He can often be found at Lake Oconee having family time. He has also been known to engage in non-family activity with Science and ***** at the lake as well. Jake keeps a boat at his lake house which he is on often and is not shy to let people know when he is on his boat driving to the lonely island in the center of Lake Oconee. Apart from his family, Jake is also close to many friends. He is an outstanding judge of character. If Jake has an opportunity to really get to know somebody, he gains an infallible sense of whether or not they are pretty cool. This is especially prevalent on mission trips. Through extensive study, Jake has determined that the Seamanator is in fact not pretty cool and must be removed on a daily basis. The legend of Jake Garden is one still in the making.